I lucked out and had the camera with me. Looks like this old women got sick of the sidewalk. I don’t think anyone cared. Why? It happens all the time. It’s China.
The first thing you have to do to drive in China is to prepare to drive. How does one prepare?
1. Don’t get a drivers license. It’s not like anyone here really uses what he or she has learned while obtaining one anyway.
2. Get a car. This is obvious. Good chance it will be a VW.
3. Learn to drive a stick. Haven’t seen a car yet that is an automatic.
4. Put weird seat covers in your new car. Beads, mats, clothe, whatever it is we shouldn’t be able to see the stock seat, for whatever reason.
5. Tie little red pieces of what looks like a shop rag around the rims. The more the better.
6. Make sure that your horn works. You will need this later.
7. If you plan to drive at night, neon is a must. Also obtain trance techno music. This will make you blend in more past midnight. If you are a taxi drive, you have gotten this already when you were hired.
After you are prepared to drive its time to turn her over and take it for a spin.
1. Start the car. Better to make sure it is out of gear less you run into someone. If you do run into someone, drive off. If you feel generous toss a hundred out the window.
2. Test horn again. Just to make sure. This will become your lifeline.
3. Depress clutch and place transmission into gear.
4. Slowly release the clutch while simultaneously depressing the gas pedal.
5. Release parking brake that you forgot to release before you tried to move the first time.
6. Repeat step 4 and began to move.
7. Immediately start honking the horn at everything that moves in front of you. If you do not do this you will get no where in traffic and have to wait for people to cross the road.
8. Run red lights.
9. Split people on the cross walk while turning left. Why should you have to wait for them to cross? You’re bigger anyway.
10. Split people while turning right. See reason from above.
11. Split random people in the road for whatever reason. Remember to be laying on the horn through out this. If not, you are not following everyone else. You will look weird and people will wonder if you horn is broken. If it is I am pretty sure they give them out for free.
12. If the left turn lane is too long proceed to drive on the wrong side of the road and make your left hand turn while cutting everyone off. Honk horn, their in your way your not in theirs. If was your idea to cut them off anyway.
13. Use your turn signal.
14. Weave in and out of traffic, cars, people, pushcarts, donkeys, and whatever else is in your way. Every second you save might be useful later. Maybe just maybe.
15. Get on the horn again.
16. Look impatient.
17. Sing along to pop song.
18. Honk horn.
19. Run red light. No one was coming anyway.
20. Arrive at restaurant.
21. Park where ever you feel you should. Including the middle of the road. Who cares, people have steering wheel to maneuver their car around yours.
22. Honk horn before you close the door. You might be awhile eating hot pot and not be able to honk for an hour or two.
23. Drink at restaurant.
24. Go back to step 1 in driving your car. No one will know that you are drunk because you will be weaving the same way as you do when you are sober.
25. One more time, honk horn, it feels good.
So that’s how to drive here in China. Pretty simple huh? Can’t wait to do it myself. Going to be a blast.
